Inspired By Beyond Van Gough Exhibit

Excerpt from the Beyond Van Gough Exhibit in Portland, Oregon, 2022

"What am I in the eyes of most people? A nonentity … someone who has and will have no position in society … a little lower than the lowest. Very well …  then through my work I’d like to show what there is in the heart of such an oddity, such a nobody.”
~Vincent van Gogh (1882).

140 years later, I stand spellbound by Vincent van Gogh’s breathtaking vision of beauty, brought to life by the #beyondvangogh exhibit. The timing of his words … so humble, for he could not know just how great an impact his heart would have on the world … could not be more perfect for me, right now.

As my own life’s work begin’s to take shape, I experience how easy it is to belittle and underestimate the vision of my own heart … and the worthiness of my own deepest joy.

I walked away from a professional ballet career, due to a recurring, undiagnosed, back injury. Unknowingly, underneath that choice was a subconscious belief pattern: "I should be ashamed of desiring to be an artist. Being an artist is selfish. Creating beauty is not of primary value. I can’t support my Self as an artist. I can’t be an artist.”

Today, I understand that my dance injury, later diagnosed as an SI ligament sprain, was emotionally triggered. I literally could not hold my Self up. Louise Hay related low back injury with a fear of money and a lack of financial support. No coincidence.

After giving up ballet, I had the chance to earn a degree at the Art Center in Pasadena. I turned it down and have denied my Self as artist, ever since.

Using my own life’s work, in this 2nd moon cycle of the year (shifting from shaming to forgiving the joy we desire), I am consciously forgiving my Self for being an artist at heart … for the joy I experience creating beauty for the sake of beauty… and allowing this huge part of me, back into my Self and my life.

Yesterday, 45 min into yoga, I severely sprained my sacroiliac joint. I can barely stand up or hold my Self up. No coincidence.

I now see this pain as a reflection of the joy for which I have shamed my Self, and an opportunity, to heal this deep emotional wound, consciously.

I am an artist. I get to create beauty, from my heart. All of my love matters.