2020 Journey — Wisdom from Moon Cycles 1-2-3
ORIGINALLY POSTED IN PRIVATE FACEBOOK GROUP ON FEBRUARY 28, 2020
This post is long, AND POWER-FULL! It's a summary of what I see the first 3 moon cycles are about, and how they work together. I hope you will read it when you get a chance, ask any questions you have, and share your own experiences, if you like!
I knew, when I started this group at the beginning of the season of personal transformation into greater sovereign power, that it might be challenging for me to be as present here as I would like to be. Hah! No kidding!
December - February has always been an emotionally challenging time for me, as I know it is for others, too, and now I feel like I'm truly understanding why! Using my own Journey Book, this has definitely been the most intentional and empowered "breakdown to transform" that I've ever experienced. And I know, from the regular co-conspiring many of us have been doing together, I'm not alone.
Over these first three moon cycles, I feel like I’m being shown a powerful flow that feels universal:
The first moon cycle – in which we get to ask our Selves "What POWER can I allow?" – seems to be about becoming aware of how we get to allow our Selves to ACCEPT and "be fine" with what is – as is — without giving away our power by "fighting" to change it .... by allowing our Selves the power to "LET GO and LEAVE IT" ... thus allowing our Selves to CHOOSE, instead, what we truly most need and desire to "fill" rather than "drain" our batteries.
The second moon cycle – in which we get to ask our Selves "What GRACE can I allow?" – seems to be about becoming aware of how, in order to allow our Selves to "accept, let go and leave it," we need and get to allow our Selves the grace of COMPASSION and FORGIVENESS of our Selves. In other words, the reason we can't "accept, let go and leave it" and "just be ok," is that we are denying our Selves (therefore we are dependent on others for) some specific compassion and forgiveness. Without this self-compassion and self-forgiveness, our diminished egos are protecting us, by telling us we "have to" change/fix what is, to be "safe."
The third moon cycle – in which we get to ask our Selves "What LOVE can I allow?" – seems to about becoming aware of how, by accepting what is, by allowing our Selves compassion and forgiveness, we now get to allow our Selves the love of "BEING" WORTHY and DESERVING of what we need and desire in our lives. Whew!
Do you see how these first three moon cycles are related and interdependent and flow from one to the next to bring us back into Sovereignty? Does this feel as powerful to you as it does to me?
Here's the story of my own journey over theses first three moon cycles. This is deeply personal, and I share with the hope that doing so will demonstrate the possibilities I see for all of us to experience emPOWERed "breakdowns to transform."
In the FIRST MOON CYCLE, I became aware of how I gave away my power and drained my battery, by trying to "rescue" Bryan's parents from their pain triggered by our choice to be with my parents — not them – for Christmas, again this year. I now see that I tried to control the situation to protect myself from "being" the cause of their pain, by getting Bryan to do something he really didn't want to do ... so I ended up scheduling a time to be together, deciding on and making the gift, cleaning the house, and deciding on and making the dinner ... and resenting him for leaving this all to me, despite me constantly asking him to take the lead. HAH! So clear now. Sorry, Bryan. Not only did this drain my battery, emotionally and physically; it also took precious time away from what was most important to me – creating the Journey Book and getting it finished before Christmas. And then, I pushed myself, unnecessarily, to finish and mail the first Journey Books in time to arrive by Christmas ... which they didn't ... which was fine, because nobody had the bandwidth to work with them, anyway.
In the SECOND MOON CYCLE, I became aware of why my diminished ego "made me' rescue in the first place: On Christmas eve, the evening of the new moon, my sister and I were sitting and listening to my 79 year old Mom (who is now struggling with short-term memory issues) tell us stories about how her mom would "snap a switch" up her legs any time she did anything to disappoint her Mom ... which could be multiple times per day. These stories were not new, however, when she described how she hated her Mom and had never wanted to see her again because of the way her Mom had "made her feel" – never good enough to not deserve punishment any time she disappointed someone – my eyes widened and I started feeling really hot (like a hot flash). While my higher Self had/has complete compassion for the serious abuse my Mom experienced (and still does to her self), my diminished ego-self wanted to scream: "Doesn't anybody in this family see that this is EXACTLY how I have felt my whole life?!? That I have been blamed and made responsible my whole life for causing her pain. And THIS is why/how I took my Self out?!? How can you have so much compassion and understanding for her and none for me?!?!" Fortunately, I did not scream that and "held my own," present to both of these contradictory feelings. After about 15 minutes, my Mom stopped rather suddenly and said: " I hope I never did any of this to you ... did I?" I gave my sister a look of "please answer this question" and got back a blank stare, so I managed to reply kindly, from my undiminished state of being: "Mom, look, both of your daughters are here with you this Christmas" ... to which she replied, "Yes, you are, and this makes me so happy. Thank you."
Two weeks later, my sister and I had a video call. Near the end, I asked if she remembered that conversation with Mom. At first she said "No," then "oh, yeah, the one that was visibly upsetting to you?" I said, "Yes," then asked, "Did you relate at all to what Mom was saying about how her Mom made her feel? Did you feel that way, too?" She replied, "No." I said, "Oh, I was wondering if it was just me," to which she replied, "It sounds like you need to process something, and I'm not up for that." When we hung up, I became aware of how my sister's responses "made me" feel. What I heard was: "Bad dog! Out!"
The next morning I woke up and sobbed. I became aware that what I really wanted from my family was understanding and compassion for why I had "taken my self out" and how I had ended up "losing everything, including, nearly, my life." And, nobody in my family has the emotional bandwidth for this. I "got" to ACCEPT this and allow my self compassion and forgiveness from where I needed it most ... my Self.
A few days later, I ended up at the dentist with a cracked tooth. I was hopeful that they could just cap it, especially when the dentist tapped on it and put cold on it, and I felt nothing. And ... then the blow came ... it was going to have to be removed ... the next day ... to the tune of $1100. I immediately found myself choking back tears. I made it to the car and allowed myself to completely break down sobbing, again, AND allowed my self to say out loud what was "making me" cry. Here's what came out through my tears:
"I have tried my whole life to be the best person I can possibly be. I try to see and be kind and understanding to everyone, with compassion and grace. I always am willing to be shown and own my own lessons, no matter how much it hurts ... and it's never enough. No matter how hard I try to be a good enough human being, it's never enough. I deserve to be punished ... again."
Whoa. What did cracking a tooth have to do with not being a good human being and deserving to be punished? Nothing. AND ... the brain patterns that developed to "protect me, by helping me to be perfect, by punishing me" were makin' a meal out of it.
With this experience, I became aware that my Mom had modeled and passed on to me this energy pattern for "survival," and I get to have the same COMPASSION for my self as I do for my Mom and FORGIVE my self for taking my Self out in this way ... and own that I am NOT a "bad dog." I am a kind, understanding, compassionate, loving, giving human being, who is always willing to learn and grow. And, I am not the cause of Bryan's parent's pain, nor anyone else's, and I don't "have to" rescue anyone from their own pain, to prove it's not my fault, in order to survive.
Can you see how I needed to allow my Self the GRACE of compassion and forgiveness or order to allow my Self the POWER to accept what is? Kinda cool, huh?
In the THIRD MOON CYCLE, I became aware of how I haven't allowed my Self to be worthy and deserving of love ... and how I get to from now on. A few days after the new moon, I was in Sacramento, for my monthly visit with my parents. We'd gone on a drive into the foothills, to a sweet gold rush town we love (Nevada City). On the way home, I could feel that my conversation with them was pretty intense, and I became aware that I was trying to prove my Self, by sharing the extreme challenges I'd faced earlier and how I'd persevered through them.
When we got home, I asked if I could share something I had just realized. I apologized for "being" so intense, and said (as tears welled up in my eyes) ... "You both have done so much for me. You both made personal sacrifices so that I could have every opportunity to have a fulfilling and successful life, and my greatest fear is that you feel I squandered all I was given and your sacrifices were a waste on me ... so I'm constantly trying to prove to you that I'm creating something beautiful and powerful out of all that I've been through and learned, so I'm not a waste of your effort." By this point, tears were streaming down my face. As you can see, I was dependent on them for permission to see my Self this way ... to allow my Self to be worthy and deserving.
My Dad replied, "Kimber, if you were a multi-millionaire who was an asshole, we would feel like you squandered what we gave you, but we are so impressed with what you've been able to create through your experiences and we couldn't be more proud of who you are." Yeah, I lost it. Yet another powerful release through tears of old, painful energy I no longer need to carry around inside of me.
And finally, with the full moon in February, a few days before Valentine's Day, I got the awareness that all of this was leading to. I saw how I had been "being" in my life in a way I had never understood before, that was both excruciating and liberating to see: I have lived my life, energetically, like a woman in an abusive relationship, who defends her husband's abuse by saying, "It really wasn't his fault. I upset him. It was my fault. I need to be better, so I don't upset him. And until I learn how, I need to take the abuse, to learn."
Uh. I've never seen myself that way. To be clear, only once have I been physically abused ... when my fiance' forced himself on me and accused me of being gay for not wanting him. And ... it is so clear how the "woman deserving to be bullied because she's not good enough" has been the role I have made my Self play with my family, with "friends," with boyfriends, with colleagues and employers — to survive. The LOVE I get to allow my Self, now, is not needing to "be better" in order to be WORTHY and DESERVING of not being bullied/abused... it's the LOVE of LIBERATION from this deep energy pattern.
In a bigger way, this is about me be worthy and deserving of this work being "given" to me to bring to the world ... and recognizing that I don't have to be "perfect" at it to be worthy of sharing it in a much bigger way ... without deserving of being bullied or punished.
No wonder I've been afraid to go out bigger, huh? Breakdown of caterpillar complete. Commencing restructuring into butterfly.
I hope my story demonstrates how, first, we get to see where we give away our POWER by not allowing our Selves to ACCEPT what is and CHOOSE for our Selves; and that in order to accept what is, we get to allow our Selves the GRACE of COMPASSION and FORGIVENESS; and with acceptance and forgiveness, we get to allow our Selves the LOVE of being WORTHY and DESERVING ... which gives us back our SOVEREIGNTY.
Can you see it?
Have you experienced it?
If yes, feel free to share what LOVE you allow your Self now!
If no, feel free to ask questions or reach out in person.
